When behavioural change feels dangerous…

“You’d have more impact if you were more <x>” is common feedback to receive. <x> might be one of many things… it could be “assertive”, “pragmatic”, “patient”, etc.

I was once told I should be more aggressive at work — to push harder for the outcomes I wanted to achieve. The manager who gave me that feedback mentioned another colleague and said, “Try to be more like #thatperson”.

Although I had professional respect for that person I thought overall that they were too pushy, too difficult to deal with and generally rubbed lots of people up the wrong way. The last thing I’d want was to be like that person, and this strong reaction made it very hard for me to use my manager’s feedback to grow.

On reflection, my manager probably felt that even if I tried, I’d never be that aggressive. The person they pointed to was almost an extreme example and I suspect that’s common. Careful readers may note that the feedback was “be more like”, not “be like”; that should have been a clue to me at the time. However I was afraid that I might become the type of person I don’t like, and this fear really held me back.

If you are trying to push yourself towards a change that goes against the grain for you — sometimes that really is the right thing to do — remember that you’re unlikely to reach the extreme position that I was afraid of.

You can be more aggressive, or more accommodating, or more whatever, without becoming what you despise. One hiss doesn’t make you a snake.